Sebastian Appleyard & Benjamin Furnish

Characters:

Grandma Gladys – age 81

Great Aunt Mary – age 104

Uncle Harry Bennet and his husband  – both age 65

Twin brothers Sam Bennet and Eric Bennet- age 7

Pet parrot Skittles – age 13

Uncle Harry’s cat Charlie – age 9

Black lab Norman – age 18

Twins’ pet rattlesnake Basil – age 2 

Baby sister Rose – age 2

Older sister Becca – age 18

Dan Bennet, the single father – age 43

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Dan is calling his children down for their family Zoom meeting. Zoom is open on the laptop on the coffee table. Baby Rose has just been put to sleep and the twins Sam and Eric are still fighting upstairs. 

Becca: Why do we have to do this every week? We know what will happen; the twins will start fighting, and Great Aunt Mary will burst into tears. 

Dan: Because they are our family, and whether we like it or not, we have to talk to them. 

Dan yells at Sam and Eric to come downstairs to join the call. Despite her lack of enthusiasm, Becca is the first one ready, sitting on the sofa. After a minute of calling, the whole family is sitting, ready to join the Zoom call. The Bennet family is crammed together on their living room sofa with the parrot Skittles on the stand at stage left and the rattlesnake Basil at their feet. 

Uncle Harry joins.

Dan: Hello Harry!

Harry turns off his camera as quickly as possible. 

Harry: Let’s get this over with as soon as we can.

Harry mutes himself as well. 

Dan: Nice to see you too (mutters under his breath).

Next great Aunt Mary, focused on her knitting, joins.  

Sam: Guess how you spell zoom? 

Becca: Oh, not this game again!

Eric: (reading off-screen) Z-O-O-M

Sam: Guess how you spell mute?

Eric: (reading off-screen) M-U-T-E

Sam and Eric: Hysterical laughing 

Parrot hears laughing and starts screaming along with them.

Grandma Gladys joins the Zoom call to see the boys fighting,

Grandma Gladys: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS! 

Silence 

Great Aunt Mary’s mouth starts moving, but she is muted, so nobody can hear what she is saying. 

Uncle Harry and Dan in unison: YOU’RE MUTED, AUNT MARY!

As Aunt Mary struggles to unmute, she hits the end call button, leaving the meeting. 

Uncle Harry: Oh! Now she has left. 

Becca: Well, that was about the shortest call yet.

Gets up and starts to leave.

Dan: Wait, she is rejoining.

Becca: groans (returns to the sofa)

As Aunt Mary struggles to turn her camera on again, Grandma Gladys starts talking.

Grandma Gladys: I was having lunch with Stuart from down the road the other day, you know the man with the cats and –

Dan cuts her off.

Dan: You were having lunch with your neighbour!?

Grandma Gladys: Why yes, of course, we have lunch every week.

Dan: We are in the middle of a global pandemic; you can’t have your neighbours over for lunch!

Grandma Gladys: Why ever not? He is almost family!

Dan: Does nobody else see the problem here?!!

Grandma Gladys: Oh well, I haven’t seen anyone for months. There’s nothing to worry about.

The twins, bored again with the conversation, start fighting. Sam kicks Eric in the mouth, and Eric punches him back. Sam is pushed off the sofa and lands on the rattlesnake cage. The cage breaks and the snake slithers off under the sofa. The poor old suffering black lab Norman sees the snake slither under the sofa and gets up as quickly as his old bones will allow him before retreating to the kitchen. 

Becca: Oh, now you’ve done it! Last time Basil got into the furnace, it took 2 weeks to lure him out!

Grandma Gladys: You boys are wild! I love it! You guys make me wish I was young again.

Skittles is delighted by all of the commotion and starts screaming again. Rose wakes up and starts crying. Sam grabs the vase closest to him and cracks it over Eric’s head. Baby Rose giggles and throws her pablum at the computer. The computer screen goes blurry before shutting off. 

Everything is quiet in the Bennet household.

Dan: Well that was more disastrous than usual. 

Becca: (laughing) Surprisingly, I enjoyed that a little more than I expected. It was nice to see the whole gang again.

Twins (in unison) – Same!

Everybody gets up and starts to leave. Fade to black on the twins trying to entice Basil out from under the sofa with a dead mouse.