By Logan Mahaffy

American pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced this week that they will be working with Sony to efficiently distribute their COVID vaccine globally. 

CEO Albert Bourla says that he is ecstatic for the future of vaccine distribution. “We’ve obviously been watching how they’ve been stocking the Playstation 5 on shelves and think that there’s a lot to learn from them,” he said in an interview with Forbes. So far Sony has sold an astounding 4.5 million PS5’s over the past 6 months. With access to Sony’s resources, Pfizer aims to match at least 50% of this impressive number by the end of 2021. “We’re talking about dozens upon dozens of doses being produced monthly,” said Bourla. 

Bourla believes that this is a match made in heaven and has gone as far as to make another generous pledge. “For every 1,000 consoles sold, we will donate 10 doses of the vaccines to countries in need, free of charge,” the company declared in a statement last Thursday. It must be kept in mind that it is a two-dose vaccine, meaning that it will serve an awe-inspiring 5 whole people. 

This new promotion doesn’t bode well for everyone. Many billionaires feel that they are on the hot seat to match this charitability. “We’ve honestly thought about shutting operations down,” admitted Bill Gates on the future of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. “I feel like I’ve spent my entire life trying to get people to see me as the good guy. All of those charity events to improve my brand. The public was just starting to forget about the child workers in the Congo and then this comes along, blowing anything I’ve ever done out of the water. It all just seems so futile now.” The bar for philanthropy has been set even higher and there is no telling what Pfizer or Sony may do next. 

Similar to Sony in the PS5 release, Pfizer wants to make sure that Hollywood’s celebrities get the first batch of vaccinations. Sony CEO Kenichiro Yoshida was extremely pleased that Pfizer followed their philosophy of giving to those in need. He recalled back to early November when the console was first launched: “When we had our first shipment of Playstations we wanted to make sure that celebrities got the bulk of them. They definitely felt cramped having to stay home in their modest apartment buildings and most of them were struggling to break 8 figures due to a lack of events. Seven PS5s to help keep their minds off the hardships of the pandemic was the least we could do,” remarked Yoshida. 

Even though it may seem like the process is identical, Pfizer has not forgotten that different products suit different demographics. “Before, we were giving consoles to old celebrities that never played video games and didn’t need them. We knew that we couldn’t do the same for the vaccine. Now we will be targeting the child actors and young stars under 25 for our initial distributions,” said a Pfizer representative.

Although the future seems bright for widespread vaccinations, many critics are skeptical about the logistics of this ambitious goal. “The World Health Organization is doing everything possible to support this, but I think that people worldwide may need to temper their expectations” stated WHO chairman Dr. Harsh Vardhan. Other prominent figures were a lot harsher than Vardhan on the newly found production speed. “They’re being far too hasty,” tweeted Elon Musk, “At this rate of distribution, if there is a problem with the vaccine, they won’t be able to recall it fast enough to avoid most of the human population having already taken it.”

In the end, most of the complaints are minuscule in comparison to the positive impact this partnership will have on the world. It seems that a COVID-free world is closer than ever before.