By Simon Cox

An announcement was made this morning, declaring that all methods of civil safety, including street signs, wave breakers, and building security — things that have cost governments and corporations millions — will all be replaced with a new system: The Break-Fall. With as little as two weeks of training, all able-bodied citizens will be able to avoid injury from all dangerous circumstances. Here are a few diagrams of this innovative safety method at work:

In a conference this afternoon, the Minister of Health and Safety announced that in the unlikely scenario of this civil safety method proving to be ineffective, extra measures will be put in place, such as elbow pads.