In case it’s not obvious, this is a joke!

By Wolf Virgo

A new study out of the University of California, Irvine, revealed shocking revelations this week: bullying can actually be beneficial for children. 

The study’s main director, Professor Brutus Tannen, explained his findings in an exclusive interview with CBC. Professor Tannen, who teaches human behavioral psychology and specializes in understanding humans’ cognitive responses to torture, revealed that the contents of his latest study will revolutionize our understanding of how children respond to bullying. 

Professor Tannen’s study examined two ways that children respond to bullying. “One, they ignore it and suffer like the useless pieces of human garbage that they are, or two, they stand up for themselves and fight back.” Tannen determined that of the children who fell into the first category, 95% went on to live comfortable lives, being productive members of society. Those who fell into the second category had immense cognitive damage and went on to be “your annoying friend with unusually high self-esteem who posts about self-love on their Instagram stories,” said Professor Tannen. 

Professor Tannen emphasized that “those who suffer from bullying during high school learn valuable life lessons about discipline and hierarchy, which could explain the reasons for the success they experience later in life.” He explained that bullying can not only be beneficial long term but even during high school. He concluded that when young people’s brains respond to emotional misery, they often resort to self-harm—which can be a positive. Experiencing voluntary, self-induced physical torture can be beneficial in building pain tolerance among young people. “Kids are always on their phones nowadays and aren’t connected to the real world. They’re living in a dream world where pain and suffering don’t exist,” he explained. “Sometimes you just gotta lay one on ‘em.”

In the study, Tannen, along with his researchers, found that those who are bullied are deserving of it in 98.76% of cases. “There’s always that one kid that everyone in the class wants to sock right in the face,” he said. “But only the brave ones—usually named Cody—have the guts to actually do it.” He went on to explain that 99% of the time, it’s the parents’ fault for their kids getting bullied. “I mean after all, where do you think the ugly kid’s DNA came from?” 

The study found that poor fashion choices and overfeeding were also leading causes of bullying. “It’s the parents who choose the navy overalls at the GAP and buy McDonald’s for Timmy after he gets a certificate OF PARTICIPATION at his little kicker’s soccer league,” Tannen explained, concluding that parents are an integral part of the bullying equation.  

The interview with the professor was lengthy and informative. Despite the findings of his study being open to the public, there have been almost no criticisms of Tannen and his team. One of the reasons for this could be Tannen’s 6’8, 285lbs frame. Tannen is also well known for threatening his own students after one of them sneezed in class. Rumour has it that after one of Tannen’s interns left for undisclosed reasons, Tannen found a chewed piece of their gum in the trash and used their DNA to make a 3D clone which Tannen allegedly used to frighten the staff at his university.      

After analyzing the interview with professor Brutus Tannen, it logically follows that bullying is a hidden cache of power.