By: Joshua Tavares-Pitts and Simon Cox

A study shows that 95% of people with depression related symptoms, such as crying, have interacted with onions in some way, whether this be by taste, touch, smell or even sight. 

“We found that not one person, when in close proximity of onions for extended periods of time, is able to resist crying,” a Canadian nutrition expert reports, “this definitively proves that the onions are deeply hurting the subjects’ feelings and mental health, and therefore must be eliminated.”

The evidence also suggests that this severe depression is caused through nasal inhalation, so the researchers have supplied the general public a list of preferable things to sniff:

• Roses
• Mustard
• Paint
• Carbon monoxide
• Chloroform

Similar foods are also under investigation for depression related symptoms, such as garlic, and coconuts, if thrown properly. Onion farming businesses have another proposal; The depression caused by the onions can be counteracted by constructive messages. Restaurants could provide words of encouragement with every onion-based meal, and individual onions could include fortune-cookie style compliments.

The researchers also interviewed many local citizens experiencing depression, one such interview is detailed below.

Reporter: “Have you come in contact with any onions recently?”

Citizen: “Yeah, I was preparing some onion rings recently. Come to think of it, I even cried when chopping them.”

Reporter: “Well there you have it, onions cause depression.”