By: Josh Tavares-Pitts and Simon Cox

Standing for “Better Standard Time,” BST, is saving thousands from tardiness every day! The method employs the genius strategy of subtracting 5 minutes from any existing time system. Across the world, there have been many recorded cases of those being saved from late penalties. Here are some users of the time system with their thoughts.

“BST helped me arrive on time for my relative’s funeral. Most people were a bit agitated, though, something about me giving a eulogy?.”

“No longer serving breakfast? You still should be open for another five minutes!”

“No, you started the New Years countdown too early!”

“My employer tried to fire me despite me arriving at exactly 9:00 am. He just didn’t realize I was on BS time.”

“I love BS time, it’s so helpful for sleeping in.”

“BS time? What the heck is this bullsh-”

Some people have been doubtful about this new time system, saying it is “ridiculous, useless, and unfair,” though it is worth noting that these criticisms have been tainted by the lack of an extra 5 minutes of sleep. Had they been using BST, they could have provided us with more sound feedback.

Cooking products were of the earliest adopters of this new time system, eager to change their “minute noodles” to “negative four minute noodles.” And yet another benefit is the shortening of computer loading time estimates; now downloading Fortnite updates only takes 2 days, 23 hours and 55 minutes.

The Ontario Phys Ed. Curriculum was also influenced by this time system, with athletes around the province completing the standard 12 minute run in an astonishing 7 minutes. Additionally, the plank time of an average high school student has fallen to -3 minutes, exciting the entire student population. “It’s over before it starts,” one scrawny 9th grader commented, “Easiest gym class ever!”

Conversely, EBST (Even Better Standard Time), which adds five minutes to the time, has just been realized this morning. Due to popular demand, it was created for the sole purpose of getting people in trouble by making them late.