Keyboard by Michael Marais on Unsplash

By Jonah Rasch

TORONTO, ON–In a society where nearly everything seems to be digital, it should be no surprise that the internet is filled with loudmouths who would not do half the things they said online if confronted in person.

To delve deeper into this issue, we must look into some instances where highly skilled keyboard warriors have been caught in action.

Under the comments section of a Connor McGregor UFC fight, @Paul ‘The Destroyer’ Lambert commented, “Connor is such an idiot. If I was there, I would have dodged the jab, faked the cross and landed a double leg, then I would have taken his back and executed the rear naked choke! Connor is a complete amateur!” This was typed by the jobless 30-year-old Paul Lambert with his Cheeto’s-pasted fingers from the comfort of his stained couch in his mother’s basement. Paul has not left his house in two and a half weeks, and his only exercise is stumbling to the trash can to dispose of his Cheetos bag.

The issue gets worse. In the comments section of an ABC news coverage of a house fire, where one fireman was, unfortunately, unable to save one child, @Mitchthefisherman commented, “What baloney this FDNY is! If that was me, I would have single-handedly run the ladder to the burning window, jumped in, got the child and got out of there! I can do anything when my adrenaline spikes. It is a shame we have absolute wimps on our front lines these days! Shame on the firefighter, and shame on the FDNY!” 

Funnily enough, FDNY’s official YouTube account responded to Mitch in the comment section and said, “@mitchthefisherman, we would love to entertain you at our 51st division recruitment this Saturday in Manhattan. Since you clearly have what it takes, we believe you would be a great asset to the force, and the lives you save will be insurmountable. Please reach out to FDNY@nyc.gov for more information regarding your application to the team.”

Days after the response, Mitch made his way to New York to undergo numerous evaluations to determine whether he was a fit, mentally and physically, for the department, as he boasted. 

Unfortunately, Mitch’s stint as a firefighter did not last very long. He apparently arrived very confident; however, after struggling to put on the firefighting gear, he collapsed from cardiac arrest. Doctors on the scene attributed this episode to Mitch’s low activity levels and recommended that he spend less time online to prevent further health complications.

The last instance of a keyboard warrior is Canada’s very own Justin Trudeau. Justin tweeted, “@premierdougford, if I see you, it’s on! I despise what you have done to the province of Ontario, and the only way you will learn is with these fists! We know how it went the last time I boxed someone, so serve this as a warning, you buffoon!”

A month after this tweet, parliament was scheduled to meet in Ottawa, bringing Justin and Doug together in real life. Justin politely walked up to Doug, shook his hand, and congratulated him on all of his hard work to gentrify Ontario; he told Doug how he believes he is the “better” brother and asked him how his kids are doing while posing for a selfie.

So folks, the lesson from all of this? Stay away from commenting from the comfort of your keyboard. But if you do, make sure you can back it up in person!