Social Media by Unsplash+ on Unsplash

By Jonah Rasch

NEW YORK, NY– For many, social media has become an essential aspect of their daily lives. One phenomenon that has surged in popularity is the fad diet.

These “magical” diets claim to help you lose substantial amounts of weight in a matter of days and seem almost too good to be true–because they are. You see, these diets require patience and willpower, something the majority of the human population does not have. 

The average person who stumbles upon an ad screaming, “Shed five pounds a day with this revolutionary diet…” and believes it, is either incredibly optimistic or has a PhD in Gullibility. Who in their right mind thinks they can lose the weight of a small Chihuahua every day? And secondly, dropping five pounds a day is about as healthy as a deep-fried candy bar sugar-coated in sprinkles. So, if you’re one of those folks who thinks this is a good idea, you might as well start preparing for your new life as a human yo-yo.

To combat these fad diets, we have created our own diet: The Social Media Diet. Our diet is unique and vastly combines other diets polluting social media. You see, what all these diets have in common is their promotion of weight loss; however, our social media diet promotes weight GAIN because the more, the better, right? 

Here is how it works: for every like someone gets on social media, they get only eat one piece of food. Let me show you what a typical day of someone on the social media diet looks like.

First thing in the morning, you make what we call a breakfast post; this dictates how much food you will eat, if at all. If you have many followers and accumulate five-hundred likes, you must consume five-hundred pieces of food. If you get two likes, it looks like you’re going to be pretty hungry. And if you are one of the many losers who receive no likes, it looks like somebody will be fasting until lunch.

Next, you need to make a lunch post. The number of likes garnered on the lunch post dictates how much you will eat for lunch. Again, if you accumulate many likes, your audition for “My 600-Pound Life” is hastily approaching. And again, if you receive 0 likes, guess what? No food for you. Still.

Lastly, we have our dinner post. If you get a lot of likes, brace yourself for an all-you-can-eat buffet that would make a sumo wrestler blush. But if you get zero likes, your neighbour’s dog may start to look like a juicy steak.

We have already had over a million people try out our new diet. Out of the 25,678 who survived, we interviewed a few and asked them about their thoughts on the diet. 

Cindy Cooper from Swampscott, MA, said, “It was a great diet. It really filled me up–maybe a little too much. But guess what? The producers of ‘My 600-Pound Life’ pay a pretty hefty salary, so who am I to complain?”

Jonathan Butterbottom, hailing from the bustling metropolis of Dead Man’s Flats, AB, wrote, “When I started this diet, my follower count was so low, even my mom unfollowed me. Not a single like graced my posts for a month and a half, so my meals were as empty as my notifications. I shed 103 pounds and now I’m so skinny, if I turn sideways, I disappear. I guess I finally fit right into the ‘Dead Man’s’ aesthetic of my town.”

So, there you have it, folks! The Social Media Diet: the only diet that truly understands the importance of likes, shares, and followers in determining your daily caloric intake. Why count calories when you can count likes instead? Remember to tag your posts #socialmediadiet for a shout-out by us!

Bon appétit, or as we like to say, ‘Bon Appé-Like’!